BUMPER STICKERS

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Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
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I love cats ... they taste just like chicken.
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Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
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Cover me while I change lanes.
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Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
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 I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...
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The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
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I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
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Where there's a will, I want to be in it!
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Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
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 If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
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Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all its students!
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It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
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Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.
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Make it idiot-proof, and someone will make a better idiot.
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 Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
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Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
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Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
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3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.
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Ever stop to think--and forget to start again?
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 Horn broken. Watch for finger.
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No radio -- Already stolen.
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I brake for no apparent reason.
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Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.
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Learn from your parents' mistakes--use birth control.
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 It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
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Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
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The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
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I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
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Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let him sleep.
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 Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
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I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
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Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.
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IRS -- We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
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Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.
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 How can I miss you if you won't go away?
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I love work - I could watch it for hours.
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I finally decided I'll never make up my mind.
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I still miss my ex, but my aim is improving.
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He who laughs last thinks slowest.
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 Gun control means using both hands.
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Hug your kids in public, then belt them in the car.
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I never get lost, someone always tells me where to go.
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I've used up all my sick days. Today I'm calling in dead.
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Reality is the leading cause of stress.
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 Too slow? Too bad.
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EARTH FIRST! We'll strip-mine the rest of the planets later.
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My kid beat up your honor student.
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I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
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Doesn't anybody signal anymore?
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 I'd rather have a free bottle in front of me than a pre-frontal lobotomy
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Conserve water - Shower with a friend
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Don't drink and drive - you might hit a bump and spill it.
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Don't drink and park - accidents cause people.
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Drive defensively, buy a tank.
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 I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure.
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Famous last words: Don't unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix.
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Famous last words: What happens if you touch these two wires tog--
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Famous last words: Don't worry, it's not loaded.
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Everything I need to know I got from watching Gilligan's Island.
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 Sticks and stones may break my bones, but whips and chains excite me.
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Reality is a figment of your imagination.
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Make WAR, not SEX, it's safer!
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You know it's going to be a bad day when you jump out of bed and miss the floor.
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I can handle pain until it hurts.
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 It's not what you say in your argument, it's how loud you say it.
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Live teddy bears are best.
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Nothing is illegal until you get caught.
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The ultimate reason is "because."
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I'm objective; I object to everything.
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 You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.
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Kiss me twice. I'm schizophrenic.
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You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without hanging on.
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Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.
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If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
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 A day for firm decisions!!! Or is it??
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If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
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I have always been crazy, but it kept me from going insane.
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It's only a game until you lose.
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Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.
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 Life is a terminal disease.
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Overdrawn? But I still have checks left!
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No matter where you go; you're there.
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Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.
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Do not believe in miracles - rely on them.
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 Save the whales, collect the whole set.
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If everything is coming your way, then you're in the wrong lane.
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LSD melts in your mind, not in your hands.
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Earn cash in your spare time, blackmail your friends.
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Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say.
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 Death is life's way of telling you you're fired.
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No one is perfect, but some of us are closer than others.
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Live fast, die young, and leave a good looking corpse behind.
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The real trick to carrying on is not getting carried away.
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Everything is possible; just not too probable.
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 Since when is talking a sign of thinking?
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I like quality, not quantity.
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I have crossed and recrossed the line between sanity and madness so many times that I have all but rubbed it out.
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Speak softly, but carry an M16.
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Change a life; make someone feel important.
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 Don't let schooling get in the way of your education.
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It's all a pigment of your hallucination.
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In theory, everything works.
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The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of the oncoming train.
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Repetition is always better the second time.
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 Clever is getting out alive.
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Around here, to be nuts is normal, to be sane is stupid.
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Just plead the Fifth -- or drink it -- either way.
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Death is the consequence of being alive.
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Cancer cures smoking.
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 People who think they know what they're doing are especially annoying to those of us who do.
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Lead me not into temptation; I can find it myself.
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You're twisted, depraved, and rotten to the core . . . I like that in a person.
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Rainy days and automatic weapons always get me down.
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When all else fails, lower your standards.
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 I'm surrounded by idiots!
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Do unto others before they do unto you.
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Why be normal?
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I don't know, I don't care, and it doesn't make any difference.
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Don't take life too seriously; it's not permanent.
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 I'm only a hypochondriac when I'm feeling sick.
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Never trust a nun with a gun.
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Never go into a hug off balance.
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Life's a bitch, and then you're reincarnated.
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Cute and interesting are two different things. ------------------------------------------------------------
 If there were no such thing as bears, what kind of hugs would we give?
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It's your right to be stupid, but it doesn't mean you should be.
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Life's a trip and then you run out of Travelers' Checks.
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Reality is only fantasy gone stale.
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Reality is a nice place, but I wouldn't want to live there.
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 Gravity always gets me down.
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Hairy Kiwi: Death by fruit.
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I'm not a psychiatrist; I'm just an expert at being confused.
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This was only a test; if this had been a real emergency, you'd be dead.
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You can't be late until you show up.
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 It doesn't matter what temperature a room is; it's always room temperature.
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They keep saying the right person will come along; I think mine got hit by a truck.
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I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem.
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Every time I think I know where it's at, they move it.
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To err is human, to forgive is not Company Policy.
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 A nuclear war can ruin your whole day.
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Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.
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Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean that they AREN'T after you.
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Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
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They told me I was gullible .. and I believed them.
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 When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.
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Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.
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If at first you don't succeed, redefine success
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If you are feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it.
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Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.
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 Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.
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Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it.
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I haven'tlost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere.
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The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
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You know it's a bad day when the blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.
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 You know it's a bad day when your income tax refund check bounces.
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You know it's a bad day when you put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
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Nothing is as easy as it looks.
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Everything takes longer than you think.
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It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
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 Anytime things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something.
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In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
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Do not believe in miracles - rely on them.
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No matter how much you do, you'll never do enough.
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Whatyou don't do is always more important than what you do do.
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 You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
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If God intended people to smoke,He would have set him on fire.
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It's better to have a horrible ending than to have horrors without end.
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I talk to myself because I like dealing with a better class of people.
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The only reason people getlost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.
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 Stop crime at its source! Support Planned Parenthood.
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If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt.
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The whole purpose of your life is to serve as a warning to others.
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The new baby is like royalty, he's the prince of wails.
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He had never seen the Catskill Mountains, but had seen them kill mice.
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 Support bacteria, it's the only culture some people have.
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According to my best recollection, I don't remember.
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Schizophrenia beats being alone.
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Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
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Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer.
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 The more things change, the more they stay insane.
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Keep grandma off the streets. Legalize bingo.
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